How to Tour in a Band or Whatever
by Thor Harris
1-Don’t Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fuck up you fucking dick. goddamn.
2-If you fart, claim it.
3-Don’t Lose shit. Everybody loses shit. Don’t fucking do it. Asshole.
4-Don’t fuck anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fuck who are not in this band. Dumbass.
5-If you feel like shit all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better & feel better. What are you… a child? Some have the endurance for self abuse. Most don’t.
6-Remember the soundman’s name. He will do a better job.
7- Eat oranges. Cures constipation & prevents colds.
8-Masturbate. Duh… Where & when? Be creative. You’re an artist right?
9-If YOU can’t carry your suitcase 3 blocks, it’s too goddamn big.
10-Respect public space in the van. Don’t clutter, you Fuck.
11-If you borrow something, return it. Not Fucked Up.
12-Do not let the promoter dick you or talk you out of the guarantee. If there were not enuf people there, it’s their fault.
13- Driver picks the music.
14-One navigator only (usually sitting shotgun). Everyone else shut the fuck up.
15-Soundcheck is for checking sounds. Shut the fuck up while everyone else is checking.
16-Don’t wander off. Let someone know where you are.
17-Clean up after yourself. What are you… a goddamn toddler?
18-Touring makes everyone bi-polar. Ride the waves as best you can and remember, moods pass. So don’t make any snap decisions or declarations when you are drunk or insane.
19-Fast food is Poison.
20-The guestlist is for friends, family & people you might want to fuck. Everyone else can pay. They have day jobs.
21- Don’t evaluate your whole life while you’re sitting in a janitor closet waiting to go on. You think you’re above having shitty days at work? Shut up & do your goddamn job.
This list was written under the influence of lots of esspresso & anti-depressants while on tour w/ such greats as Shearwater, Swans, Smog, Lisa Germano, Angels of Light, Bill Callahan & many more. I hope this list will help you get along w/ your co-workers whatever your job is. Contributions to the list by Jordan Geiger, Kimberly Burke, Brian Orloff, Brian Phillips Celebrity Gang Bang, Kevin Schneider, Jonathan Meiburg, Michael Gira and some other folks.
Thanks for not being an asshole, Thor Harris
. : november 2013 : .
It’s getting cold all over again.. Fall musics for all (as always you can stream this below… FB people, you can grab them in the usual spot) Enjoy!
This isn’t about what is or isn’t punk. That ship sailed many many years ago. And for the record, I AM a fan of Green Day. I even kinda like the new single. But what happened a few days ago at the IHeartRadio Fest is such nonsense.
In case you missed it:
Some 12 year old (not really 12, but the only way I can justify his thoughts about this is to pretend he was only 12 and didn’t know any better) on Twitter said that this was a true expression of rebellion against mainstream media.
No. If you wanted to make a point, there are several better ways you could have made it than throwing a temper tantrum like a cry baby rock star.
Property Of Zack was kind enough to transcribe the rant, so I’ll take it line by line.
"Oh, fuck this shit. I’m gonna play a fucking new song. Fuck this shit."
First off, I believe he was originally gonna complain about the crowd. It looked like a 1980’s British awards show. Or the Republican National Convention. It looked awful. I am surprised it took 25 minutes to get to that point.
"Give me a fucking break. One minute left. One minute fucking left. You’re gonna give me one fucking minute? Look at that fucking sign right there — one minute."
Yeah man, you’ve been doing this long enough to know that festivals run on a pretty tight schedule. If your time is up, your time is up. And for you, sir, your time is most certainly up.
"Let me fucking tell you something, let me tell you something, I’ve been around since fucking 198-fucking-8."
So you agree? You have been around for quite some time. You DO know how these things work. And you’ve been playing ball with the major labels and radio stations and MTV for SOOOOO fucking long you can’t all of a sudden have a problem with how the game is played. Why did you agree to be a part of this shit show anyway? The money? Certainly, so take it and leave and shut THE FUCK up.
"And you’re gonna give me one fucking minute? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! You’re fucking kidding me. What the fuck! I’m not fucking Justin Bieber, you motherfuckers."
No, you most certainly are NOT. If you were, they wouldn’t be cutting you set short. And he seems too mature to behave like this on stage. In public. For the internet.
"You’ve gotta be fucking joking. This is a fucking joke. I got one minute — one minute left. Oh, now I got nothing left. Let me show you what one fucking minute fucking means. [smashes guitar] One minute."
Gotta be a better use on one minute, fella.
"God fucking love you all. We’ll be back."
Why? Why the fuck would you come back. You were just disrespected so HORRIFICALLY. Don’t come back. Tell us we’ll never see you again. Tell us to fuck ourselves for choosing Justin Bieber or LMFAO over you. Don’t tell us you’ll be back.
And then don’t fucking apologize by going to rehab. Just tell us to fuck off. Don’t cave. Don’t feel embarrassed and try and shift the blame to substance abuse. You need help? that’s why you broke ONE guitar. Knock it off. You’re a whiney rock star and you got caught with your pants down. Suck it up.
Yesterday i had a very similar conversation about a very different person in a very different line of work. TRIED, is what I want on my tombstone.
“When I be askin’, “Yo, where did all the passion go!?” - Atmosphere
Tonight I was lucky enough to sit and watch comedian Louis CK test out some new material for an upcoming special. He played Governors, a relatively small venue in my hometown. And while he was up there, about mid way…
Avengers was a boffo hit over the weekend. Every time Deadline updated its coverage the estimates were raised. It was really a blast to follow the numbers because the film is perfectly executed and deserves every penny (though it would be nice if Marvel shared some of those pennies with its…
Their view of what I did for them:
I remembered that they had a pool, so I came by and said, “hey, you guys should swim in that pool.”
And they did. And it was fun. And now I’m suing them for a piece of THEIR fun.
What really happened:
They had a pool. It was covered in years of algae and mold. There were cobwebs and cracks and actual large turds floating underneath the cover.
I came by, asked if they wouldn’t mind if I cleaned out their pool.
I took off the cover, scrubbed the walls, skimmed out the turds, checked the ph levels.
They proceeded to have tons of fun in the pool. Lots of pool parties. Even got some great exercise.
All I wanted was 3% of the exercise. Not the standard 10%. Just 3%.
But they told me to sue them for it.
And when we got to court. They admitted to the fact that I did a great job with their pool. And that they had tons of fun AND exercise. But because they can afford a lawyer and I can’t, I have to try and sue them AGAIN because I used the wrong sized skimmer when removing all their fucking turds.
A band you forgot was even a band are filthy scumbags.
I have never read the book. And I don’t plan to. I don’t read many books at all, so I’m not speaking about this in any fashion except the movie I watched. So I don’t want to hear any, “the book was better,” or “well, in the book they…”
I don’t give a shit. I saw a cool movie. That’s what I’m talking about.
As a movie, there were definitely things that could have been done better.
I could have used more of her relationship with her sister and some more of her relationship with Gale. I get why they didn’t include more with Gale though from a franchising point of view. If we are to stick with this character through three movies we have to love the hell out of her. And having us know she is playing or betraying someone hurts the protagonist/audience relationship.
I do, however, love Katniss as a role model for young women. So much better than fucking Bella and her shitty nose breathing method of acting.
And I like most of the messages sent. And buy just about everything. This television show is extremely plausible. There would even be an American Idol type of show for the casting of the murder game show.
Overall, a very enjoyable & entertaining experience, even if it wasn’t a great movie of a movie.